Thinking

This past weekend we had a NICU reunion. The families who have had babies in the NICU while living in Okinawa are invited to attend this annual celebration. The NICU staff gathers and invites the families to honor the babies who have been taken care of in the NICU.

It was surprisingly an emotional event for me. The staff who took care of our 2 boys were incredible. And every once in a while I think about what they did for our boys. C & C would not be alive had the staff and NICU not been there. I would be a mother grieving the loss of her two boys. Especially the first week of the boys' lives...there is no way that Connor would have lived just after birth and Caleb would have died shortly after. So in the moments when all 3 kids are crying for something, all 3 kids need diaper changes (though L is very close to big girl panties) and all 3 kids are having rough days --- I need to think back to how had we not had the NICU and NICU staff, I would still be the mother of one living child.

I don't know why I keep processing our NICU experience over and over. I suppose its just part of life. At one point M and I were so stressed that the skin on my feet and the skin on M's hands was all coming off. Before this experience I had no idea that skin would peel off in times of stress. As soon as the boys were home, both of our hands and feet cleared up.

I wonder too if I keep thinking about this because I have several friends struggling with the grief of loosing their babies. I read their blogs and am so heart broken. I know how close we were to grieving our boys, but our boys are alive and doing well now.

I celebrate the lives of our 3 kids. I am grateful that L has had an extremely healthy life and that the boys are now doing well. I am grateful for a husband who works hard for our family. I am grateful for my brother who is the Godfather for the boys and who took care of us through all of the craziness with C & C's births. I am grateful for wonderful friends. And and I am grateful for my mom and M's mom and step-dad who came to get us through the roughest part of being home with the boys. Even the first month and 1/2 at home were very difficult. I am grateful for my dad and sister who are coming to visit. (My dad is a awesome cook as well). I am so thankful that these people who came to help and are coming to visit are getting to meet C & C rather than attending their funerals. Sitting at the NICU reunion, I was overcome with thankfulness for the lives or our children. I suppose these moments will come and go throughout the lives of my boys because I know how close we were to not being able to enjoy watching their first smiles, first laughs and so on.

Here is one photo of Caleb while he was in the NICU. When I walked into the NICU and saw Caleb under the blue lights, I remember thinking, "This is the worst he will look. Take a picture so that when he is marrying the girl of his dreams on his wedding day, we can remember how far he has come." This is still the hardest photo for me to look at -- but I am so grateful for where C & C are now!